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Stuart has written for the site before. He is on Universal Credit and I allow him to share his story in exactly his words. I don’t edit anything. The spelling and flow may sometimes be off but, in this article he is sharing some of his innermost thoughts he wrote at a real low point.

Nothing at all has been changed. You can find Stuart on Twitter here; @ProvanStuart 

This article covers some sensitive topics regarding mental health. If you feel you need support help is available 24 hours a day to provide confidential emotional support for people who are experiencing feelings of distress, despair or suicidal thoughts.

• ww.samaritans.org
• 116 123 (free to call from within the UK and Ireland), 24 hours a day 
• Email: jo@samaritans.org

Its been a while since I’ve last spoke but, its with good reason. Universal Credit as we all know, is designed to delay decisions at your expensive. This dates back to 4/12/17 and for the last 4 months I have have been in a cat and mouse game. As crazy as it sounds, I am still in shock with how far will they go to covering up there foul play. Whatever the outcome it will be my turn to play the Decision Maker…

While I wait for the outcome i found a little document I wrote when i was clearly struggling. I write a lot when am depressed, as it helps me get the thoughts out of my head. The reason I wish to show you is to hopefully help anyone who suffers from this awful illness. If you feel helpless please understand your not alone and try and find your outset of the dark mindset your battling with. Set your goals talk to someone just promise to stay here like me. l promise to stay here.

I wrote this in 2017 around April. I have not changed a word or corrected spelling.

l only ask if they have responded in anyway as am still awaiting a response apart from a strange letter that involved me filling out a health form for a decision maker to make a decision!

“OH with a added if i dont respond by the 15th of may my money will be affected. This is the whole reason why am being effected by there no reasons for payments (4 payments not once there fault, last one my bank refused the payment!) on time and my 6 day in sanction for being at the doctors for nothing to do with depression but for a problem with my belly which i now have have a date for a camera down the throat after 4 months when it was booked in on Feb still to this day am not being able to eat normal and have to take medication everyday since the 20/12/16. At least i lost 2 stone in weight! Still got food stamps offer in my second month into my claim of course i refused as i dont eat. Unlike some people now who need food. Yes i used they words food stamps as it’s still a charity but at the rate it’s going it can’t be a charity no more as people need food to live. Still am lucky to live in the UK where that will NEVER happen!”

Truth be told the only letter i got was this health thing which has who are decision makers? Do these people understand mental health? or in fact have any education on any health issues or they Columbo`s who decide what’s bullshit or not by forms filled out by cheats and people who tell the truth?   

 Problem was i had such i good Saturday but the problem is after such a good day as your mind is distracted from where the real world is you go back to it.
Sunday and Monday was so hard to get through both days and Tuesday i tried to defect my mind by doing things to keep my mind going. 
l did positive stuff i saw an old friend, l gave some stuff away for free. i went to my local garage who i have been friends with for 15 years about my car to see about getting some small repairs and some chit chat.
Still bugged me about the latest letter. That`s why i showed up on Tuesday.  (With half my head shaved in half!) Ask me about that later.

Still i could not shake off the doubts in my mind. l took the double dose of antidepressants which of course is a no no. Tomorrow if i feel as down as i am going to admit myself to the hospital. 

l understand people are there to help but i want you to know i have no intent on using this as a go to thing with anyone. 

l can’t switch my mind of and i can`t live like this anymore. The mind is winning the darkside battle and l think the words decision maker will haunt me for the rest of my life. An MP writes them a letter and they hit me with i could get more help from a decision maker?

If you feel you need support help is available 24 hours a day to provide confidential emotional support for people who are experiencing feelings of distress, despair or suicidal thoughts.

• www.samaritans.org
• 116 123 (free to call from within the UK and Ireland), 24 hours a day 
• Email: jo@samaritans.org

As i again i battle with sleep and have no idea if you looked over my diary from the last few months.

All i know is if i feel the same way today i know am at risk and will go to hospital. Still i hate the fact that i have to go there when people need it more than me. 

For whatever happens and grateful for all you have done, from my heart am grateful to all who have helped.

l read something lately that really felt something.

“A person who protests is a person with true merit.” 
Add innocence to that and it becomes even greater.

Stuart Provan

I will only add am so pissed off with their lies and being an honest person that’s what gets me. l only live now because of the citizens advice contacted me direct and i have such good friends. 

The other side if all the truth be told and swear on my Mums life. Why should i go on and deal with all this crap. People have it worse than me which is much true and have always paid my dues to the ones who need help. Still how lucky i am living in a good life (non war or 3rd world slaves) compared too many others we all get used to it. Am 41 now why not just check out? The best years are done are they not and you don’t have to read these emails anymore. This might sound harsh but i don’t think that way. l could easily sit down and say it straight into your eyes. l can also tell you all the shit form the last 5 months and have no shame of crying. 

Overall in recent times i know in the world of MP`s is in a massive change. You do what you have to do but i only wish you to remember that many people have problems and we can’t fix them all, but what we can fix is the unfair nature that is equality in the whole world and that ALL people rich and poor will abuse money. l have zero interest in money and again i swear on my mums life but as the Greeks set democracy by simple use of coins and noticed the coins did go round as they thought they would, it was because people with more coins kept them. They fixed that with tax. Today 7 people in the world have the world’s bottom halves money. How you think the Greeks would have addressed that today? You will never change human nature but you can help to address it. 

If this last statement i use at least am happy even if no one cares. 

“Whatever is right or wrong to you, you will always find out which way was wrong”

Stuart Provan 2017…….

Decision maker= Who wins, who loses…

Am still here please promise to do the same.

Thank you i support you all Stuart – 2019
You can find Stuart on Twitter here; @ProvanStuart 

Note from the Editor, Alex

This may have been a difficult read for some but I think it is fair to say that Stuart is incredibly brave to share this. It shows the horrific mindset that Universal Credit can drive people to. Gladly Stuart is still here but there are many who couldn’t cope.

It is our responsibility to ensure that they are not forgotten, Stuart is going well and will continue to share on this site. Alex